"So here's the thing with girls" I told the young guy at the bar,

"They're soft and sweet, and bring you to your knees;

Coz when you love a girl you find you're wishing on a star,

But Omigod - they're awful hard to please!

"You tell them that they're pretty and they swear to you they're not,

But if you dare agree you'll feel their sting!

Their eyes can turn to freezing as their words come out so hot,

Until you wish you'd never said a thing.

"They say 'Do I look fat in this?' but think before you talk,

Their minds need to be read, it's not that clear;

It's best you buy her flowers, take her on a little walk,

To figure out just what she'd like to hear.

"You shower her with presents and her smile lights up your day,

But underneath that Princess lives a witch;

So Heaven help you should she send a nasty spell your way,

Far better, keep pretending that you're rich!

"I didn't mean to scare you, son, but girls are all the same,

It doesn't matter - ugly, bald or dumb;

They have one goal in life: to get a brand-new second name,

Then everyone will smile - Except her MUM!"